The Brightside

Because Letting go is much more painful than moving on

It has been almost two years since we both agreed to go on our separate ways. Almost two years free of intimacy, of being committed, of having you and I - US. Almost two years of me wanting to hold you back and you embracing the fun of another “love of your your life.” 

Knowing you, perhaps, is one of the things I will never forget. Our love story that started as us being classmates, being text friends, being confidants, being lovers. All the smiles, new experiences, the kilig moments. Who’d ever want to forget these beautiful memories we shared together? Yet, knowing you, again perhaps, is one of the things I would like to leave down the track of my past. The fail dull moments, all the misunderstanding and judgments, and worst the heartbreaks. AND those dark nights that I wet my pillows not of my saliva, but of my tears crying for you to call me yours again. Jeez. Why am I telling you this? 

Now, I taste my own bitterness. That I chose to ignore a lot of open doors just to stay outside yours, waiting while you are keeping it locked with happiness of being with someone else. You are there holding hands, with hugs and kisses, with both of you having big smiles, and I am here, all alone, killing myself while watching you.

It is me who chose to be blind until you come infront of me. It is me who chose to wait for you until you come back and be with me again. It is me who chose to love you a million times, ignoring the playful past. It is me, my heart and my mind, who chose to wait for you and for the right timing to tell you I am still in love with you. 

I just cannot put all the blame on you. I know there is a part of me too coward not to take the risk of making a big step together, yet apart from you… that there is a part of me too weak not to hold you tighter, and stay with you longer… that there is a part of me too fragile not to take the pain that remained.

I know you have all the reasons to wake up smiling. And I know I have all the reasons to wish that I were that “reasons”.

Gaano?

Minsan, hindi ang mga “humps” ang nagpapahirap sa pagpasada. Minsan, ang paraan kung paano ka makakalagpas sa mga humps na ito ang dahilan para magkaroon ng aberya. Pero kadalasan, ang tunay na nagbibigay ng problema - ang pagpili. Tatawid ka pa ba o hahanap na lang ng ibang daang walang madadaanang humps.

At gaano ba kahirap pumili? Kakalimutan ko ba ang nakaraan at mabubuhay sa kasalukuyan kahit alam kong mayroon malaking pagkukulang? O mabubuhay na lang ba akong may bahid ng nakaraan na ang bawat patak ng luha ko;y sing pait ng nakaraang dumudungis sa aking kasalukuyan?

Second semester is nearing it’s end. I am so glad that I survived this hell sem. Hindi ko alam pero siguro kasi masaya akong marami akong nalagpasang mga pagsubok at marami akong napatunayan. 

1. Engineering Week with UP CIEM. First time kong maging involved sa Engineering week, at maraming unforgettable experiences. Tatlong Minigames (2 out of 3, champion) at isang major event (Champion) and nasalihan ko. Ang feeling na may malaki kang naitulong sa org mo, masaya na. Yung kahit alam mong may exam, nandoon ka pa rin sa minigame mo, kahit alam mong may dapat ipasa nasa training ka. Siguro, oo minsan nakakasira at nakakadistract talaga ang engg week sa acads pero yung feeling na kahit ang tagal mong walang pakialam sa mga lessons ay nasasapawan ng feeling na kasama mo yung mga members ng org mo na handang makipagpatayan sa engg week… na handang ibigay ang lahat para manalo, or kahit hindi manalo nandoon pa rin yung fighting spirit na “Shet next year, mananalo kami dito”. For me, it’s not really about winning the games, it’s about enjoying every single game, whether you are the player or you are the cheerer. it’s about being a part of the circle.”

2. 1.00 grade this semester. Like what i said, for a month wala akong pakialam sa acad standing ko. Ang mindset ko nandoon sa kung paano kami sasayaw, at kung paano gigising nang maaga para sa laro mo - engg week, battle of the orgs. Pero sa huli hindi ko rin pala maaalis na sobrang magiging saya ko once na nalaman kong may uno pa rin ako ngayong sem. Muntik na akong bumagsak sa onse, pero hello, ligtas na ako sa panganib ng 5.00. Exempted ako sa GE kung saan may na-miss akong isang long exam. Na-appreciate ng English 11 prof ko ang creative video na ginawa namin for class presentation. Wala akong naibagsak na exam sa Physics at nakatpos ako ng creative experiment for Physics lab. At syempre 1.00 ako sa ES 21. Ok, aaminin ko, nag-expect ako sa grade na ito. pero lang yun ang dahilan kung bakit ako masaya - bakit ako masaya ay dahil alam kong marami ang nagtitiwala sa akin na hindi ako babagsak sa mga subjects na muntik na akong malaglag. yung feeling na may mga taong nagpapakita ng “care” sa;yo. Tatanungin ka, Kumusta na yung Onse mo, yung Physics mo? Tapos kapag sinabi mong pangit ang standing, ano tara? aral tayo? Di ba yung pagmamahal at kahit konting oras ng atensyon nila, naibigay nila sayo, overwhelming talaga.

3. UP IESC at UP CAPES. nag-apply ako sa dalawang engg groups. Pareho akong natawag for interview. Kinakabahan ako. pero yung feeling na nagustuhan nila ang mga nakalagay sa application mo, nakakataba ng puso. Hay, kailangan ko na lang ipakita kung sino ako at ano ba ang mga magagawa ko. Minsan yugn growth na hinahanap mo, hindi lang makikita sa lugar kung saan ka na naroroon, minsan externally, dun mo sya mahahanap.

4. CIEM achievements. Proud ako CIEMer ako. proud ako ang daming achievements ng org ko. Proud ako kahit papaano, nagcontribute ako para sa ikatatagumpay ng org ko. <3 CIEM.

5. UPTC. nasasaktan ako dati na mukhang wala nag pakialam ang barakada sa akin. pero ngayon masaya na akong masaya kayo ngayon. Mahal na mahal ko kayo. At mamimiss ko ang barkada ko sa bakasyon. :)

Ayun lang. :) masaya lang ako na kahit papaano buhay pa ako.

guards

An USC candidate said (non-verbatim) that the primary reason why people got hurt, robbed or feel unsafe in the campus is the budget cut. The government is lowering the state subsidy thus the UP admin is getting a little tight in security budget. No offense sa mga security guards, para sa akin wala naman siya PRIMARILY sa kung magkano ang naibibigay para sa campus security. Yes, may part na kaya mahina ang security kasi walang budget, konti lang yung guards. Pero mas matimbang siguro yung kung paano kumikilos at nagtratrabaho ang mga guards sa campus. Ang dami-dami nga nila nagkukwentuhan lang naman, nakaupo lang sa post nila. Ah, ewan, minsan hindi lang lagi budget cut ang dapat sisisihin sa university issues. 

It will never be all. Not all people are willing to do the things you are willing do for them. :(